Oh, NO, NO, NO; I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking that this is an article about what Monty Python calls “the naughty bitsâ€. Well, O.K., there might be one or two examples; but mostly it’s not.
What’s amazing in the world of nature here on planet Earth is the extraordinary range of size differences just in terms of organisms under which rubric I include both fauna and flora. To be transparent (my wife thinks that would be disgusting), I admit to siding with that minority of scientists who think that viruses are life forms, even though they don’t meet a number of what are regarded as usual conditions for such inclusion. If pushed, I might even include viroids and prions as “livingâ€. Some biologists have suggested that we might regard viruses, viroids, and prions as “neither living nor deadâ€. That seems to be a very peculiar kind of conceptualization, but what the heck, prions are “brain eaters†so we might cast them as micro-zombies. For this discussion, let’s just opt for treating viruses as sort of living things, especially since relatively recently some large viruses have been discovered that can themselves be “parasitized†and another which performs the basic functions which bacteria carry out. So, flip a coin.
The smallest virus is 5 nanometers in diameter. That’s 5 billionths of a meter or, in other words, smaller than an “itsy-bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow, polka-dot bikiniâ€. For those of us more accustomed to inches rather than the metric measures, there are 25,500,000 nanometers in an inch. So, even what is regarded as a large virus–about 500 nanometers– is still mind-bogglingly small. They are often described as submicroscopic meaning that they are not visible using optical microscopes and we have to employ other kinds of technologies, such as, electron microscopes to get images of them. So, that volume of a 5 nanometer in diameter virus is about 523 cubic nanometers. Now, think about the fact that these extremely small entities can kill millions of humans and other animals and, of course, feel no remorse. It makes one think that things are out of balance. Unless, perhaps, you are one of those biologists who is at a rather extreme point conceptually: “Viruses are very intelligent. They can think. They do things that we do not expect. They adapt to the environment. They change themselves in order to survive,†said Lai, professor of molecular microbiology and immunology and a Howard Hughes Medical Institute Investigator. I’m afraid that I find this an unwarranted bending of the concepts of “intelligence†and “thinkingâ€. Lai’s research does indeed indicate that some viruses, particularly, RNA viruses, are able to move bits of their own genetic material around with amazing dexterity and also plant their own genes in the cells which they have invaded. This is, I think, a good basis for claiming that viruses are alive, but to refer to them as “intelligent†and “thinking†has, in my view, to remain a metaphorical way of talking and, if taken literally, could be highly misleading.
If we now move up the phylogenetic ladder, tree, circle, pyramid, (whatever), to the protozoa, we find that the very largest are the xenophyophores, which are found in the deeps of the sea. They are foraminifera and their “shells†can attain a diameter of 200,000 microns or 20 centimeters. However, in the more traditional conception of protozoa, the winner is a ciliate called Spirostomum which can reach a length of 4,000 microns. It is a fascinating, highly contractile organism.
Under newer taxonomic models, if we shift the question from the largest protozoan to the largest protist, we get a very different answer, namely, Macrocystis, giant kelp. Kelp and seaweeds are multicellular, but lack certain morphological characteristics that would make them plants. Giant kelp can grow at the astonishing rate of 2 feet a day and can reach a length of over 210 feet! In the second image below, you can see a diver/photographer in the kelp forest.
Moving on taxonomically, let’s look into worms. The longest worm every found is from South Africa and has the formidable name, Microchaetus rappi. Can you believe 21 feet?! Think of the fish you could catch with that.
Now, I did warn you that there might be a few bits of “naughty bits†and, since we’re talking about worm-like creatures, there is a non-segmented creature that has a very strong resemblance to a certain part of the human male anatomy that is unmistakable. These organisms belong to a group called Priapulida derived from the name of the ancient Greek god, Priapus. I’ll let you look up the history of that. I’ll show you two x-rated images and provide you with a link to a YouTube video on these unusual animals. One might think that Mother Nature has a dirty mind, but perhaps, it’s the other way around and we haven’t learned how to accept and deal sensibly with issues of sexuality.
Well, let’s take a leap up into the realm of the mollusks, specifically, the cephalopods. Let’s start with the giant octopus and one report states that the giant Pacific octopus with a span of around 30 feet can weigh up to 600 pounds. However, some of these reports are questionable and the Guinness Book of World records lists the biggest as having a span of 32 feet, but with a weight of only 300 pounds. However, 300 pounds is more than I can lift and it’s even a bit more than I weigh. Octopuses are incredible creatures with a high level of intelligence, can solve simple puzzles, and use tools. They are masters at escaping from aquaria and can slither through openings that one would think impossible for them to navigate. They also demonstrate an ability to remember elements of their environment. They have an extraordinarily complex neural system which includes eight bundles, one for each arm. These can act independently of the central brain and process the need to react without the delay of central processing. They possess exceptionally complex eyes and can differentiate the polarization of light. They possess a wide array of chromatophores which allow them to blend into a background and be so well camouflaged that predators pass by them and divers may well not notice them until they move. They can exhibit elaborate displays of color expressing emotion and mating behavior.
As with Octopuses, giant Squid have had varying reports regarding the record holder. The Giant Squid, Architeuthis dux, is the largest squid ever reported by scientists. However, rumors persist of even larger specimens hiding down in the depths. This one, nonetheless, should satisfy those who think that size matters; it measured almost 43 feet and is thought to have weighed nearly a ton.
Now, that’s definitely more than I ever weighed even when I was a Sumo wrestler in a previous reincarnation.
Again, old tales greatly exaggerated the size of these creatures and it is entertaining to look at some of the old depictions. I’ll show you one of those first and then a real giant squid that washed up and it is indeed a huge monster.
We need now to become landlubbers again and consider the largest living land animal. I’m sure you knew that without even thinking twice–the African bush elephant. These powerful, odd, intelligent creatures can reach a length of 25 feet and weigh 12 tons. They forage a great amount of the time and require over 300 pounds of vegetable material daily, consisting mostly of grasses. And, yes, I know you want to know; it has the largest penis of any land animal, averaging 6 feet. However, surprisingly, it’s sperm is quite small and only about the size of human sperm. While we’re on the subject, I suppose I’d better try to satisfy your insatiable obsession with such things and give you a few more examples.
Surprisingly, crocodiles have the smallest at only about 20 microns. The honey possum, a tiny marsupial, which weighs only about 1/3 of an ounce, has a sperm size of 360 microns! An Australian species of Ostracod or “seed shrimp†can have a sperm length of 117 microns or 3 and ½ times its body length. However, perhaps the biggest surprise is the sperm size of Drosophila bifurca, which has the longest sperm cells of any animal on Earth. It is a species of fruit fly which is widely used in genetic studies. When the sperm cell is uncoiled, it is 20 times or more the body length of the male or about 6 centimeters long–that’s 60,000 microns!!! Such examples certainly make one puzzle about claims of size and how we calibrate and conceptualize it.
Well, we’ve taken a look at the smallest; what about the largest organism on the planet? If you’re willing to accept a clonal colony, then it’s Pando. The giant Pando, not the giant Panda! Pando is a massive system of aspens which covers slightly over 100 acres and weighs about 6,000 tons! It has a massive root system which sustains the “stems–the individual aspens†which live to about 120 years. However, the root system is estimated to be almost 14,000 years old! Fantastic, that’s even older than I am.
Another candidate is a giant fungus called Armillaria ostoyae which is found in Oregon’s Malheur National Forest and is reported to cover about 2,250 acres and weighs approximately 35,000 tons. This is based on genetic analysis that shows they are composed of identical cells.
I can hear shouts of “Not fair! Colonies don’t count!†O.K., then the largest organism is the Blue Whale. That should make you happy; these are magnificent creatures. The largest ever recorded had a length of 110 feet, 17 inches.
Now, I suppose I’ll have to satisfy your salacious curiosity again and discuss the naughty bits of this giant. As you can imagine, this animal has the largest penis of any animal and the “average†is often reported as being a bit over 8 feet in length with a diameter of about a foot. Guess what, there is a display of a portion of a Blue Whale’s penis in, —where else?, Iceland, at the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The portion displayed is about 5 and a half feet long and weighs 150 pounds. The whole penis would have weighed somewhere in the range of 770 to 990 pounds which is significantly above the average even for a Blue Whale. It’s complete length would, it has been estimated, have been about 16 feet. The Iceland Review has dubbed this specimen “a real Moby Dickâ€.
Astonishingly, these huge creatures have some of the smallest sperm of all mammals averaging about 65 microns. I suppose there is a sense in which they compensate by having the largest testicles of any animal weighing in at over 2,100 pounds and can release several billion sperm cells in a single ejaculation.
The Museum’s online brochure states:
The Icelandic Phallological Museum contains a collection of more than two hundred and fifteen penises and penile parts belonging to almost all the land and sea mammals that can be found in Iceland. Visitors to the museum will encounter fifty six specimens belonging to seventeen different kinds of whale, one specimen taken from a rogue polar bear, thirty-six specimens belonging to seven different kinds of seal and walrus, and one hundred and fifteen specimens originating from twenty different kinds of land mammal: all in all, a total of two hundred and nine specimens belonging to forty six different kinds of mammal, including specimens from Homo Sapiens. It should be noted that the museum has also been fortunate enough to receive legally-certified gift tokens for four specimens belonging to Homo sapiens.
Well, enough such frivolity for the moment.
One might ask about the largest land animal ever and, for the very biggest, we need to go to the fossil record. Here, paleontologists are engaged in a constant battle of “mine is bigger than yoursâ€. For quite a time Brontosaurus (renamed Apatosaurus) was regarded as the largest. It is a sauropod, that is, a long-necked vegetarian. They also typically have very long tails. There are also different ways in which the claims for the largest are couched; some in terms of overall length, others in terms of weight; and yet others in terms of extrapolations from a few bones when no semi or full skeleton has been found. To make it all even more dramatic, these giants are members of an exclusive club called titanosaurs. A find in Argentina discovered fossils of a creature which was named “Patagotitan mayorum†weighing in at about 74 tons. However, extrapolations from finds of some other sauropods from just a few bones, suggest even larger giants. At present, it appears that the prize may go to Bruhathkayosarus (outrageous name) at a length of about 145 feet and a weight of 250 tons. There are rumors that Noah had to build an addition to the Ark to accommodate the Sauropods; it fact, it was, probably an entire wing, since a lot of plants were also required for food. No data has been obtained regarding Sauropod penis size.
However, considering the above, we should perhaps put things in perspective from our own anthropocentric perspective, even though we don’t fare very impressively. The longest human penis is 9.5 inches flaccid, 13.5 when erect. Once again I just missed setting a record. However, a subsequent even greater disappointment was when I didn’t get the Nobel Prize in Literature for my novel Master Bates in Down Town Abbey.
If you found any of the above article’s discussion offensive, I suggest you take it up with Mother Nature. Her last available cell phone number is: 1-800-555-1212. As for the female side of this material, I will leave that up to some lovely lady to discuss the intricacies of female size and anatomy.